HOOKING UP WITH

“THE HOT GUY”

COSTS MORE THAN YOU THINK!

“I’m just having fun with him!” “I know he’s not marriage material but he’s soooooo hot.” “I’m not sure if he’s seeing other women and I don’t think we’re exclusive but… that’s ok.” Have you ever said these things to yourself? Are your friends truly ok with anything that you just professed? If you are genuinely not attached to the “hot guy” in your life, then this article is not for you. However, I’ve found that for myself and many friends who’ve consistently only “hooked up” with someone they like, they’ve actually wanted much more from the relationship as casual as it may seem.

First, let’s be honest with ourselves. If you’re not really into this guy, why do you wait with bated breath for him to text you back? Why do you get hurt that he doesn’t make plans with you ahead of time? Why do you always find yourself questioning his feelings for you? Why do you choose to hang out with him instead of going out with your girlfriends to the new hot spot? WHY DO YOU STALK HIM ON FACEBOOK AND INSTAGRAM AND TIKTOK AND LINKEDIN AND GOOGLE HIM AT WORK? It is because you really do like him and you’re hoping that this casual, undefined, confusing relationship will blossom into something you’ve always dreamed of – a real boyfriend, a potential husband.

Now that we’ve finally admitted that we really like this guy, let’s delve into why spending precious time with “Mr. Hot/Just a hook-up” comes at a heavy cost. Every time you get together with him, you’re becoming more attached. You’re finding new things about him that are attractive. You’re developing a familiarity and intimacy with him that feels so good. Now, there’s nothing wrong with wanting intimacy with someone. It’s natural! All human beings desire a bond. But there are definitely many things wrong with developing it with Mr. “We’re just casual.” It can be damaging to you emotionally, mentally, spiritually and even physically.

I like to compare messing around with a hot guy to going to an amusement park. At first, it sounds like such a good time! Sure, if it’s only for a short time. But, do you want to live there? The entrance fee alone is pretty expensive. You know he’s not a potential love partner, so you lie to yourself to just “have a little fun.” He tells you pretty blatantly that he’s not looking to get married anytime soon or ever and you’re supposedly not phased by that because you claim he’s just some side-game. Well, think of that side game as the delicious treats at the park. Popcorn! Funnel cake! Pretzels! Ice Cream! Yummy! But can those treats sustain you? It gets tougher and tougher to swallow the harsh reality of him wanting to stay uncommitted to you. Too much of it and you want to vomit!

“Ooooh but he’s such a good lover.” Hey, I like rollercoasters too but how many times do you want to get on that thing? It gets old. Doesn’t it? When there’s only the physical without the love, it’s not true intimacy. It gets played out. Eventually, the ride can make you sick too, literally! If you and “Booty Call” aren’t exclusive, how many other women is he hooking up with? You don’t know because you quietly complied that it’s “none of your business.” Even if he claims he uses protection, you don’t really know if he does. And sorry, there are STDs you can still get even while using a condom.

The sad truth is that while it may be an exciting experience to go to Six Flags Magic Mountain once in a while, at the end of the day, we all just want to go home where it’s safe, comfortable, and where there’s love. Also, while you’re away at this amusement park, you could be missing crucial opportunities to meet “Mr. Right.” Yet another cost to add to your tab. Be a smart business person and invest your valuable time and money into searching for your future hubby!

“ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE TAKEN”

That is a lie from the pit of hell! LOL I hear this falsity often and I admit, it’s something I used to say. It’s something we tell ourselves so we can make an excuse to give up on the search for true love. I know that dating is like having a second job that doesn’t pay. In fact, WE have to pay when it comes to dating. We spend money on new outfits, makeup, hair salons, dating sites, travel fees to the date, not to mention the drinks and meals on the dates! Dating can be costly financially and emotionally, making it easy to want to quit. But just like achieving any major goal in life, we must have the right mindset. The mindset you want to have for dating is hopeful, positive, patient, and most importantly, truthful.

When I hear my single gal friends make that statement, “All the good men are taken,” I immediately feel offended for the wonderful men we mutually know. I ask them point blank, “What about so and so, or so and so, and so and so?” They say, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I’m not attracted to them.” I say, “Oh ok. So, all the good men are NOT taken. Who are the ‘good ones’ that are taken then?” Usually, they’ll rattle off names of married friends, men they’ve had crushes on who now have girlfriends or even celebrities whom they’ve never even met! So, basically, they are putting all 4 billion men on earth into two categories – “good men who are taken” and “single men they’re not attracted to or don’t like.” Brilliant. I don’t think that math adds up to any kind of reality.

Let’s just break this down so we don’t foolishly think this way anymore. I would say that most single women can name at the most, about 20 good men who are taken or whom they actually know. That means approximately 3,999,999,980 males are men they’d never be attracted to according to this ridiculous claim. Doesn’t that sound like nonsense when you really think it through? There is a third category of men yet to be found! There are a lot of good men out there. You just have to find them. I never said that it would be easy but good men who are attractive do exist. There’s a reason why certain clichés are still said like “Anything worth having is worth the wait.” It takes time and sometimes great effort to find your match.

Another assumption we make when we say “All the good men are taken” is that what we see is all that there is. Yes, we feel a little envy when we see our gal-pals getting showered with love by their husbands and boyfriends. Awe… he took her to Hawaii for her birthday! He bought her diamond earrings! He always takes out the garbage without her asking! Is this guy a unicorn? Why can’t I find a guy like that??? But are you 100% sure that your friend “found” him like that? Speaking from experience, I’ve had to “train” boyfriends and my now-husband on how to be a “good man” many times and still do. He is a “good man” who just needed a chance to display it. We tend to share only the good stuff about our lives especially on social media, so it’s easy to believe that some men are just better than others and “they’re all taken.” But, nobody ever admits that you had to ask your husband to take out the trash 649 times before he started doing it on his own or that you had to subtly remind him to plan something special on your birthday this year and last year and the year before. Also, how do you know that your girlfriend’s husband didn’t buy her diamond earrings as a peace offering for allowing his mother to stay with them for a whole month? LOL

The point is, good men do exist and some, if not most, will develop their “goodness” over time. Be patient and open. To end with another cliché - Your future husband may just be a “diamond in the rough.”